These days seem so ordinary. Wake up, prepare breakfast, change diapers, (try to) wait patiently through my one year old’s temper tantrum, attend to the screaming baby, check the clock (it’s only 10:30 AM), find some outing to keep my toddler occupied, nurse baby, prepare lunch, change diaper, put toddler down for nap, hear toddler's cries of resistance to said nap, calm crying baby, nurse baby, attempt to eat lunch, toddler wakes from nap, try and pass the time without going crazy before daddy gets home. And tomorrow, we'll repeat the same process.
No one really prepared me for how difficult this stay at home mom life could be in its repetition. I would be lying if I said I never dreamed of going back to being a young woman without children, living the typical millennial life characterized by continuing education, a fulfilling career, weekend trips to new places, and of course Instagram worthy moments for all to admire. I would be lying if I said I didn’t at times long for those carefree college days where the future seemed bright and full of endless possibilities. These dreams, these longings plague me most when I see friends and acquaintances growing in their careers and art forms while I sit at home up at 3 AM with my very awake newborn or when I sit battling with my toddler over the one piece of chicken I want her to try before giving her more watermelon (if you are what you eat, she would be a fruit salad).
To be honest, I can’t whole heartedly conclude this piece stating that I wouldn’t have it any other way, that I love my children so much that it’s all worth it. I believe that is actually the truth, but right now the sleepless nights, fits of crying, and repetitive household chores overwhelm my feelings. But I know that I have it good. I’ve carried and birthed two healthy children. I have a roof over my head. I have family nearby. I have friends. I have every material thing I need to thrive. I have so much.
But sometimes, what we know to be true and what feels true cannot be farther apart. At times it feels as though my children are burdens, when in reality they are beautiful blessings. At times, I think a dream career would be more fulfilling than raising a family, when in reality, I would likely be dreaming of having a family if I only had the career (and possibly longing to stay at home if I had both). At times, I think, if only my situation were different, then I would be happy, when in reality, my life would just be different, not without difficulties .
I know that what I feel, though very real in how it affects me, is not reality. Sometimes we just need to speak truth to ourselves, even if we don’t believe it, because one day, it just might sink in to the depths of our soul and we will.
So for right now, I have to tell myself:
Children are a blessing.
Raising children is fulfilling the work of Christ and His kingdom.
Washing dishes brings honor to God.
It is better to give than to receive.
Life is meant to be about sacrifice.
My calling in life right now is to be at home.
God cares about me.
So to those of you who are also struggling to believe what is true right now, let us together remind ourselves what is true that we might not become stuck forever in discontent and discouragement.
Hold fast to that which is good (1 Thessalonians 5:21b).
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New sisters... they're both getting the hang of it.
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