An Honest Heart: Reflections from a Postpartum Mother

These days seem so ordinary. Wake up, prepare breakfast, change diapers, (try to) wait patiently through my one year old’s temper tantrum, attend to the screaming baby, check the clock (it’s only 10:30 AM), find some outing to keep my toddler occupied, nurse baby, prepare lunch, change diaper, put toddler down for nap, hear toddler's cries of resistance to said nap, calm crying baby, nurse baby, attempt to eat lunch, toddler wakes from nap, try and pass the time without going crazy before daddy gets home. And tomorrow, we'll repeat the same process.

No one really prepared me for how difficult this stay at home mom life could be in its repetition. I would be lying if I said I never dreamed of going back to being a young woman without children, living the typical millennial life characterized by continuing education, a fulfilling career, weekend trips to new places, and of course Instagram worthy moments for all to admire. I would be lying if I said I didn’t at times long for those carefree college days where the future seemed bright and full of endless possibilities. These dreams, these longings plague me most when I see friends and acquaintances growing in their careers and art forms while I sit at home up at 3 AM with my very awake newborn or when I sit battling with my toddler over the one piece of chicken I want her to try before giving her more watermelon (if you are what you eat, she would be a fruit salad).

To be honest, I can’t whole heartedly conclude this piece stating that I wouldn’t have it any other way, that I love my children so much that it’s all worth it. I believe that is actually the truth, but right now the sleepless nights, fits of crying, and repetitive household chores overwhelm my feelings. But I know that I have it good. I’ve carried and birthed two healthy children. I have a roof over my head. I have family nearby. I have friends. I have every material thing I need to thrive. I have so much.

But sometimes, what we know to be true and what feels true cannot be farther apart. At times it feels as though my children are burdens, when in reality they are beautiful blessings. At times, I think a dream career would be more fulfilling than raising a family, when in reality, I would likely be dreaming of having a family if I only had the career (and possibly longing to stay at home if I had both). At times, I think, if only my situation were different, then I would be happy, when in reality, my life would just be different, not without difficulties .

I know that what I feel, though very real in how it affects me, is not reality. Sometimes we just need to speak truth to ourselves, even if we don’t believe it, because one day, it just might sink in to the depths of our soul and we will.

So for right now, I have to tell myself:

Children are a blessing.

Raising children is fulfilling the work of Christ and His kingdom.

Washing dishes brings honor to God.

It is better to give than to receive.

Life is meant to be about sacrifice.

My calling in life right now is to be at home.

God cares about me.

So to those of you who are also struggling to believe what is true right now, let us together remind ourselves what is true that we might not become stuck forever in discontent and discouragement.

Hold fast to that which is good (1 Thessalonians 5:21b).

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New sisters... they're both getting the hang of it.

A Step of Faith

It's happening. Our family will be expanding from three to four in April 2018.

Are we excited? More and more with each passing day.

Were we always this excited? Not exactly.

If you know me or if you've read some of my blog posts before, you may have surmised that the decision to go from one to two children was not an easy one.

Don't get me wrong. As soon as Sofia began to wean, walk, and talk, I started eying my friends tiny infants who still snuggled in their parents' arms and stayed in one place. Baby fever miraculously reentered my heart as I got a greater handle on parenting basics and felt a lessening of some of the burdens of caring for a small infant.

But then, I remembered it all. The nights where two hours of uninterrupted sleep was the norm, the early and painful journey of breastfeeding, and the sacrifice of my just normalized body back to a baby carrier. Then there were the financial costs of bringing another child into the world, think hospital bills, doctor visits, more diapers, a bigger place to live. The thought of these made my fever quickly cool.

And yet, I could not shake this thought from my mind.

"Behold children are a blessing from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3

It repeated itself over and over again.

Then there was this too:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear..." 2 Timothy 1:7

Was that really how I was going to live my life? Being afraid of the future? Afraid that what is called a blessing is only a burden? Afraid that the One who supplies all my needs would neglect to do so in this situation?

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Many times that is how I live. But this time, this time would be different.

We took a step of faith, timid though it was, and opened our hands in surrender to receive the blessing of another child if God would so desire.

And so He did.

Finding Community

When I was a young girl I wanted to travel the world. I yearned to enter a new country, learn the language, connect with the people and thrive in a new and intriguing culture. I often envisioned myself in a chic yet old apartment, sipping my morning coffee or walking to work along streets lined with buildings that weathered several centuries. So when I went off to college, I determined to fulfill this dream in one form by studying abroad. I figured that those adventures would only be the beginning of a life of exploring the world.

As I neared the end of college and began planning my post-graduate life, I noticed something had changed within me. While studying abroad, I noted the importance my host families placed on family and community. I witnessed multi-generational relationships, in all their glory and brokenness, as highly valued in these people’s lives and culture. My heart began to move away from the prevalent American point of view that upholds independence and the pursuit of dreams at the expense of community and familial relationships. I became more willing to consider that living near my family and my hometown community, while full of imperfections, could be a great source of encouragement and growth in my life.

However, while my perspective had changed internally and I was no longer averse to moving home, I was not ready to put my new perspective into action. I still planned on living far from home after college. Daniel, my then fiancé now husband, and I were making plans to get married and then return to live in Chicago where he already held a job. As we searched for apartments, it felt as if we were trudging through mud, either because of too highly priced units or too many spam listings; it seemed like the search was much more difficult than it needed to be. One night, after another unsuccessful period of scouring apartment websites, Daniel and I sat discouraged at my kitchen table. It was then that I blurted out, “So why are we not considering moving to California?” At that moment it felt more like I was asking myself why I had never actually considered this as a real possibility. After all, I was the one who told my husband I never wanted to live there again, it was I who took the option off of the table. Of course, Daniel agreed, excited at the opportunity to live in a new place. At that moment, we felt an overwhelming sense of peace, for we knew that this was the way we needed to go.

                                                         

In hindsight, I can see the silent hand of God keeping all the doors shut for those apartments in Chicago because he didn’t want us to stay there. It wasn’t enough for me to simply realize that living where I grew up wasn’t such a bad idea – I had to be shown by God that it was His will for me. While we were still starting at square one in regard to our living situation, we knew that we would be brought into a rich community of friends and family who would be willing and able to support us as we began our new life together.

Today I can testify of God’s goodness in bringing me back home. He is restoring and strengthening familial relationships, growing us closer to Him through likeminded friends who challenge us, and using us in the lives of others. He has provided jobs for both Daniel and I and opened up opportunities to fulfill some of our dreams. Now two years out I see more clearly why God pointed us to move to the exact place I told myself I would never go. His ways are not my ways and I could not be more grateful for that.

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Spending time with some of our dear, encouraging friends at the lake several weeks back.

Sharing the Love

As human beings we have an incredibly deep capacity for love. There has been no more profound of an example of that love in my life than that which I have for my daughter. It is wired in me to love, cherish, and protect her while also enjoying her as she grows and develops. My love well does not seem to grow dry but only to increase in its depth for her with each passing day. Certainly it is imperfect but it is altogether increasing in its beautiful complexity. 

One of the greatest joys I have experienced in relation this love, is sharing my daughter with others, especially those who share my love for her. A few weeks ago, we were able to share our little girl with my husband's parents for a week, and oh how beautiful a time it was. To see the joy that my daughter brings to her grandparents' lives increases my own joy. I loved looking at her little face, who I often regard only as my own, and to see the faces of many generations radiating from hers. I was often in awe of how parts of so many people could be manifested in one small life, lives that would not otherwise be connected. How wonderful to participate in this web that connects her little life together!  

I could not help but capture the sweet moments spent together as a family. So please indulge me by sharing a few smiles as you look at the images below.

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